Believe it or not, there was a day when the name of Ronald
Jenkees simply did not draw much recognition. The mind boggles at the
thought, for how did I...how did ANY of us...properly function as we
maneuvered down that foggy one way street called Life? Was it any wonder
we were going so slow?
And then suddenly, as if on cue...as if double-four time was just a bad
memory...as if we could eat Froot Loops straight out of the box all the days of
our lives...there he was, shining in our midst like the glare of a
white-hot sun. Oh, in those days you had to just catch a glimpse and then look away.
He burned too brightly then, his Rocket Ship of Love blazing a blinding
trail across the heavens that shamed every shooting star that ever streaked across the sky.
Youtube was the womb that bore him. Yes, and some say Bill Simmons
was the attending physician who brought him forth. But, unlike all the
Great Ones who have shined briefly during their time upon the Earth,
Ronald Jenkees arrived footloose, functional and fully formed.
Straight out of the chute he was scaring up a game of Balderdash. He
was hunting birdsnakes, trapping spiders, and disposing of unwanted cigarette paraphernalia
like he'd always been here. When he revealed the ideal laundry
configuration, demonstrated the most technically correct double snap
kick ever executed on film AND showed off his new car stereo whilst
preaching against riding dirty...ALL IN ONE GLORIOUS SIX MONTH TIME
PERIOD...well, we were ready to march off the cliff like a bunch of
lemmings if he'd given the word.
But he'd hardly touched the throttle, my friends. We know that now.
That's when the music came. That's when we understood why he was
revealed to the world. We'd never heard or seen anything like him
before. No one had. Every single video he was wearing another kind of
hat. He said "youtubes" and "internets" and insisted the only reason he
even played music was because it was fun!
Imagine that. We'd never seen an un-tortured musical genius before.
Pretty soon he was being interviewed on the net...in video...then he was
being interviewed live on television. People like Katy Perry plugged
him on her website, Papa Roach entreated him to come to the studio
whilst they recorded. You see, it wasn't just us. It was everyone. Even
the haters couldn't look away, couldn't help but be moved by his sheer
transcendence of space, time, and living tissue.
Every musical release bogged down the Internet like a brownout
rolling through southern California. His website nearly locked up every
single day with his fans begging him for new material, for just a crumb
from the Table of Love at which Ronald composed his musical offerings.
Two CDs came and went. Accolades, tears, euphoria, head bobbing and
everything else that came with the music came and went. And then
nothing.
Oh, a post here and there, snatches of brilliance offered as an
opiate to his public, the teeming masses that surfed by his site every
day hoping for a glimpse of his majesty. The doubts started to surface.
Concerns for the well-being of the king were expressed.Whither Ronald? Have we seen the end of his singular talents?
Tsk tsk, how
sad. How soon they forget. For just as Ronald once was not, and then he
was, someday soon these lean and sparse days of drought shall be not,
and in their place there will be something the likes of which this
planet has never seen. The wonder, the beauty, the utter transforming
power of CD3.
Can you hear it? The faithful know it's there, crouching low into the
future just off to the side. It's not time yet, but it will be. And in
that day Ronald will wipe away every tear, frustration and doubt that
anyone ever had about his ability to come through.
Wait for it, you fans of Ronald Jenkees. Bate your breath and wait.
Those faint footsteps belong to the Maestro, and when his shadow crosses
the threshold you will not be disappointed.
Addendum: At the moment I believe that I am Ronald Jenkees #6 fan worldwide. He's a monster musical talent with some kind of intangible gift for humorous videos that have to be seen to be appreciated.Everyone says that, of course, but until you've seen Ronald Jenkees preach against the ills of riding dirty or looked on in horror as Ronald attempts to survive a backward roller coaster ride while filming himself, you just haven't lived.
And then suddenly, as if on cue...as if double-four time was just a bad memory...as if we could eat Froot Loops straight out of the box all the days of our lives...there he was, shining in our midst like the glare of a white-hot sun. Oh, in those days you had to just catch a glimpse and then look away. He burned too brightly then, his Rocket Ship of Love blazing a blinding trail across the heavens that shamed every shooting star that ever streaked across the sky.
Youtube was the womb that bore him. Yes, and some say Bill Simmons was the attending physician who brought him forth. But, unlike all the Great Ones who have shined briefly during their time upon the Earth, Ronald Jenkees arrived footloose, functional and fully formed.
Straight out of the chute he was scaring up a game of Balderdash. He was hunting birdsnakes, trapping spiders, and disposing of unwanted cigarette paraphernalia like he'd always been here. When he revealed the ideal laundry configuration, demonstrated the most technically correct double snap kick ever executed on film AND showed off his new car stereo whilst preaching against riding dirty...ALL IN ONE GLORIOUS SIX MONTH TIME PERIOD...well, we were ready to march off the cliff like a bunch of lemmings if he'd given the word.
But he'd hardly touched the throttle, my friends. We know that now. That's when the music came. That's when we understood why he was revealed to the world. We'd never heard or seen anything like him before. No one had. Every single video he was wearing another kind of hat. He said "youtubes" and "internets" and insisted the only reason he even played music was because it was fun!
Imagine that. We'd never seen an un-tortured musical genius before. Pretty soon he was being interviewed on the net...in video...then he was being interviewed live on television. People like Katy Perry plugged him on her website, Papa Roach entreated him to come to the studio whilst they recorded. You see, it wasn't just us. It was everyone. Even the haters couldn't look away, couldn't help but be moved by his sheer transcendence of space, time, and living tissue.
Every musical release bogged down the Internet like a brownout rolling through southern California. His website nearly locked up every single day with his fans begging him for new material, for just a crumb from the Table of Love at which Ronald composed his musical offerings.
Two CDs came and went. Accolades, tears, euphoria, head bobbing and everything else that came with the music came and went. And then nothing.
Oh, a post here and there, snatches of brilliance offered as an opiate to his public, the teeming masses that surfed by his site every day hoping for a glimpse of his majesty. The doubts started to surface. Concerns for the well-being of the king were expressed.Whither Ronald? Have we seen the end of his singular talents?
Tsk tsk, how sad. How soon they forget. For just as Ronald once was not, and then he was, someday soon these lean and sparse days of drought shall be not, and in their place there will be something the likes of which this planet has never seen. The wonder, the beauty, the utter transforming power of CD3.
Can you hear it? The faithful know it's there, crouching low into the future just off to the side. It's not time yet, but it will be. And in that day Ronald will wipe away every tear, frustration and doubt that anyone ever had about his ability to come through.
Wait for it, you fans of Ronald Jenkees. Bate your breath and wait. Those faint footsteps belong to the Maestro, and when his shadow crosses the threshold you will not be disappointed.
Addendum: At the moment I believe that I am Ronald Jenkees #6 fan worldwide. He's a monster musical talent with some kind of intangible gift for humorous videos that have to be seen to be appreciated. Everyone says that, of course, but until you've seen Ronald Jenkees preach against the ills of riding dirty or looked on in horror as Ronald attempts to survive a backward roller coaster ride while filming himself, you just haven't lived.
Riding Dirty: The Dangers of Illegal Contraband (2:02 vid)
Spectacles: Hold On Loosely, But Don't Let Go (35 sec vid)
Ronald Jenkees and The Meaning of Life (2:35 vid)